I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
fourth time’s the charm
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..