@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]