If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Spa day..😅
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price