I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
kitchen magnet
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing