I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.