I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.