The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us