I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
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You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.