@Storminika: I donate blood 5 times a year just so I'm less and less related to some of my relatives.
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@danjan13: Empty out and clean a mace container. Fill with water Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
@davedittell: WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!
@justabloodygame: The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
@drinksmcgee: Me: C'mon, baby. Send me a pic. Her: I dunno. Me: Baby, please. I need it. Her: Fine. *Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck* Me: Sweeeeeet