I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Beauty and the Beast
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance