(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
This week’s mood.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.