I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I was just discussing this with my cat
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Come back with a warrant
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.