I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
found my next D&D character name
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
that lip filler tho
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.