Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff