I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Sorry not sorry.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…