@DonQuickoats: I don't always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
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@_SetTheHook_: I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.
@markydoodoo: Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
@brakco: I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He's 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
@kittykaresless: Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired