But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
saving face 👀
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”