My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Worth remembering.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.