I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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Today’s Times
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning