I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
You Might Also Like
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I get distracted pretty eas
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Admin smashed it 😂
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?