@CodyJP9412: I don't always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it's usually because I'm walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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@BoogTweets: Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called? Her: Sparkling water.
@er0tikka: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
@ColoChiver: If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
@Jenny4ashley: No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.