I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.