I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*