I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
when you are just born a rebel
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.