I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
hackers play passwordle
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
uncle dave has been through hell
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Who called it baking and not making love
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.