“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
You Might Also Like
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
a fate I wish upon no one