*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.