“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
it must be school picture day
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Close call…
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.