No selfies while hijacking a train.
You Might Also Like
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
who wore it better?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in