I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
O Wise One….
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas