@Vice_Queen: I don't believe in gender equality because there are just some things I'm not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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@MomOnFire: Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day? Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
@colesprouse: It's not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
@Alex_but_online: Me:[holding toy] And WHY don't we make them fight?? Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
@Midgetspar: My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."