I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A woman drives into a bar.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason