I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.