@novicefather: "I don't believe in hyperbole," she said while consuming an entire horse.
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@000___000: "daddy why did the moon turn red?" "because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie"
@rolldiggity: Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out
@Discourt: Things I’ve learned as a mom: Kiss boo boo’s. Say I love you a lot. Snuggle when they ask. Do laundry daily. Hide the good snacks.
@freypalm: Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.