umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?