I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.