I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?