I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My Plans 2020
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.