I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I love it all
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.