@Elizasoul80: I don't blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I'd bite their leg off too.
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@bananagrvyrd: My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.
@thatUPSdude: Boss: Are you done with those reports yet? Me: Can you stop hovering over me? Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack] Me: Much better.
@FoxyWinePocket: Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know...
@TheCatWhisprer: Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn't hurt when I burp.