I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
my dog when i have a friend over
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.