I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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