[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The struggle is real
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.