I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing