I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.