I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
#ProTip
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Writing, She Murdered.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
There is no “we” in chocolate.