I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber