I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Every work call, he judges.
Is….Is this an option?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.