I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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I hope it’s French Onion!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Encore…
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me driving through Toronto
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Sign of the day..
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.