i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
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Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent