i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
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Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.