I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?