“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.