@ClassicMegan: I don't care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I'm using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom's a who
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@AmishPornStar1: I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria's Secret catalog... But all they sent me was her underwear.
@MumsieEsq: "DADDY!?!" (toddler calling out) Me: "Daddy's upstairs but can I help you with something?" "Yes. You can go get Daddy."
@david8hughes: [knock at door] Cop: open up, it's the police Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I'm not here Cop: are you in Estonia? Me: I am. I'm in Estonia
@runolgarun: saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side