“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
it’s the silliest best thing
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You can’t rush stupid.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: