@Leemanish: I don't care if you're here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
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@Mama_in_heels: My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
@OneFunnyMummy: Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they're building... Me: what a great place to bury a body!
@eyeswidebutt: [dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad