I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.