I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?