@KateWhineHall: I don't care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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@mattsurely: Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
@OfficeofSteve: Me: The dogs ears are so soft! Wife: I know! Me: I want to make a pillow out of them Wife: ..... Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
@JohnLyonTweets: I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.