[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Spring of Deception
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.